Breeze

breeze

Moments when i feel like running away from this abundant city i crank up the volume while listening to japanese electronic pop. Deafening as it may seem, i feel more safe this way :\. I am confused, depressed from what? i can't even think of a diverging excuse.

I dream of releasing a loud roar of pain, confusion and frustration where i stand overlooking the city skyline with a couple of friends who feel the same way. Struggling to know who i am, well i don't know
... the perks of being a youth. hah.

Sometimes i try to suppress those feelings by immersing myself in alcohol, loudmusic, bodies touching and even the thought of having a fag. To fly away as one of my friend calls it.

Taiping, is where i grew up. A small town with not much to brag about besides our pride and joy the tulip growing Maxwell Hill, once tin mining Lake Gardens along with few other firsts. Still i think about it all the time, i guess it's because 17 years of my life was spent there.

Those 17 years were just memories of what was. I never felt like i belonged there. Eventhough i mixed around, i often feel alienated by the way we might look at something or had interest over. Like a love that was not meant to be.
But the comfort of familiar surroundings prompts me to think about it, well off course its my home.

When meeting new people, the famed introductory question, Where are you from? is often heard. I am not malu because i come from this little town located at a foothill. I'm darn proud of it actually to be a towngirl to represent Taiping, not many can say that. But often the conversation goes like this

I say, "Malaysia"
friend says, "Oh kl?"
"Nah, i'm a smalltown girl.. at perak, know?"
"Perak ... hm i know ipoh"
"yaya, smaller and one hour away from ipoh"
"oo.."
(it gets worser trying to explain it to an international friend)

I would be abit ticked after that, knowing that their perception would have changed slightly. Taiping does not represent me, i don't know me, i don't know where i belong(yet) ... i just don't know.

Today i was down, i texted my friend "When i need you and your fags you're back home =(".

There are times when i'm pushed into situations like for example when i'm back at malaysia, i get called as being one of 'them' or 'aussified' since i am destined to live here. So we're different, real fact is we are already different the moment i met you.

Some goes to me, when i am here. You don't expect me to announce that OH, I feel so Australian around Australian citizens?. When i was at Tasmania, i found myself saying how Melbournes transport, water system and etc was better than theirs as if it were my home.
The feeling of not belonging anywhere. super.

There's so much more than studying and graduating. So much more.
I'm determined to find out what and where i am supposed to be.